Lesson 2 is already up!

"The primary goal for this week is to clarify your positive vision of the future."

Is there a scarier sentence in the English language? I don't think so.... OK I know 'You're going to die' is scary - but there's an end to that one that doesn't end in success or failure. Once you're dead there isn't any more choices to make. Which is one of the cooler things about being dead I reckon.

Planning for the future was never really something that I've had good experience with. In fact, it's almost been the other way around - if I want to make sure I do NOT get something - then make it a goal, make it a desire.

A vivid memory of my childhood. Singing in a choir. We were doing Australian Christmas Carols (which managed to copyright themselves out of usage very quickly. A great pity - we need Aussie Christmas Carols). It was in Springwood. I was very excited about it and it was an evening concert. I'd had to get permission from my parents.. i.e. mum to be able to join because it was made very clear that we could only join in the choir if we were committed to attending the concert. So the night of the concert, Mum says we're not going. So I went to my room and despaired. I was 7 years old or something. I felt hopeless and sad and that I was letting everyone down. About 15 minutes later, mum came in and said because I didn't make a fuss and argue, I could go. I don't remember the concert.

Looking back on that incident with adult eyes - Mum was stuck without transport, and 4 kids the youngest still a baby. Taking me to the concert would have been hard if Dad wasn't back with the car. Which I assume was the case. I can understand why she said no now. I think she managed to get someone to take me, but I went on my own. And all the joy of the event was gone.

But back then it was simply that I wanted something so she said no. And when I stopped wanting it, then I was allowed to have it.

Not long after that we moved to Sydney for 3 years while Dad studied at Moore. We had almost no income - couldn't afford food at times, and so desires was again a place that there was no point to do. Up until I was 17 or so, clothing was always second-hand hand-me-downs from other people. We could choose from the second-hand stuff but more often than not, it was chosen for us. Desires were things other people who could afford them had.

Now I always get the feeling with fulfilling desires - how am I going to have to pay for this? What's going to go wrong, what's the punishment?

I know it's not rational. But still it scares me to think of things like that.

More about this one later.