How do you know you've got Depression?

The Official symptoms of Depression are:

• Depressed Mood.
• Loss of interest or pleasure in things that normally make you smile.
• Feelings of guilt, hopelessness, worthlessness.
• Suicidal thoughts or re-curring thoughts of Death
• Sleep Disturbance
• Weight/appetite change although you're doing nothing different
• Difficulty concentrating
• Lack of Energy and fatigue.

Sleep apnoea - you get sleep disturbance, lack of energy, fatigue, difficulty concentrating.

Diabetes - Weight/Appetite change, Sleep changes, Difficulty concentrating.
Anybody who deals with pain knows you get lack of Energy and fatigue.

So all that's left is the mood, the self-beating up-edness and wanting to die. And yet - you can be depressed without them too.

And when you've lived with some of those feelings and self-beating-up-edness for so long that it's not really a measure of whether I am having an episode or not.

And the truth is, that most days I have a micro episode. And here's how it is for me: I get anxious about doing things that I normally have a handle on - anxious as in, there's a hot stifling blanket pushing in on my chest and making it hard to breathe.  I can feel a weight on my head pushing me down, and making it hard to think. There's a ringing in my ears, and if the truth be told, I'd have a cry if I actually had anything to cry about. It lasts maybe an hour maybe more. And it goes away after I have a sleep.


My darling friends know - I'm out of spoons. And it's time for to go get some.

What I don't understand is how I can have a load of spoons in the morning, do really well - then all of a sudden they're gone and I can't remember even using them?

Take today. Went to the Diabetes Nurse. Got commended for getting my sugars down between 5-9 for most of the time. Came home. Cleaner turned up and cleaned house. Smells good! The house is clean and tidy, and I've just done my bits and pieces at my own pace. Absolutely no reason to be down - I haven't used that many spoons. And yet... I'm as anxious as anything for no reason, I've not gone to work because I'm too sad, things are exciting with the decluttering, and I'm not stressed about the things that apparently I'm supposed to be stressing about because I have got them to a place that makes sense to me, and feels in control.

So I'm not going to work. I'm going to bed if the cats let me, and see what I can do about getting some spoons. See you on the flip side.